I never finish things. But now, not only did I finished and framed my dog gobelin, but I already started my cat gobelin. And that means a lot to me, because I’m such a lazy person (in general).

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It also may not seem much to others, but working in needlepoint really takes a lot of patience and determination to actually finish. And those are really two things that I lack.

I’m so proud of myself. I’m allowed to say that, because it’s been a while since I’ve been productive. Usually, the only environment in which I’m productive is at work and there only if I’m left alone (with no interference from others).

I also noticed one thing: I’m very cheap with myself (with buying clothes or things that some see as a “must”) but I spend a lot of money on things that some find trivial (like my hobbies and manga’s).

I noticed this yesterday, when I went shopping with my friend.

I usually avoid going to the Mall or other shops which I know are expensive (from my point of view) but I said what the heck, it was pay day after all. And there I was, sitting with the pair of jeans on me thinking if I should buy them or not.

I was very reluctant to spend 30$ on a pair of jeans! 30 bucks, that’s cheap and I am a jeans person, plus the jeans looked good on me.

 Then I thought it over: I spent in the last 3 months around 150$ on gobelins and here I am fretting about 30$ for a pair of jeans which I will get to use almost every week.

So I made a resolution: I won’t buy anymore needlepoint kits till I finish the ones I have at home, and I will buy myself a decent pair of sneakers (hopefully I won’t cry if I scratch them).

When I used to grow up, I was oblivious to what was going on around me.

• I didn’t know that there were still wars out there.
• I didn’t know that people were suffering.
• I didn’t know about politics.
• I didn’t know about money.
• I didn’t know anything about what the real world.

I was 14 years old when the world around me started changing. On 11 September 2001, I was preparing to go out and play, when my parents called me to the living room. They were watching TV and they were upset.

They were showing the Twin Towers going down.

I still remember what I said: “Cool movie!” and then I went out to play and hang with my friends. When I got home, my parents told me that it wasn’t a movie and that it was really happening in real life.

My stupid brain didn’t get it then. “Okay it happened but what does it got to do with me?” was my thought.

You see, I was so used to seeing movies with people getting killed, wars, dramas and so on, that when it happen in real life it didn’t even occur to me that I should probably feel (at least) sad.

Now, after 9 years, I am very much aware of things that are happening around me. And my conclusion from my short life: As the most intelligent race on this planet we sure are a bunch of morons.

I doubt there was ever a moment of peace in the history of human kind. It seems we get a kick from starting wars from any reason.

It’s sad.

You know, everything that we do in our lives has a direct link with what happens around us. But, when the outcome isn’t the one we expect it to be, we go berserk and put the blame on others. And, everything else starts from there.

And, it’s in moments like this that I remember a short novel that I read in primary school. I don’t remember who wrote or what it is called I just remember the content (it was really long ago).

It’s about a Supreme Being that keeps records with the advancement of all the species in the universe. And one day, his loyal friend comes over and tells him that the human have already discovered the atomic energy. The Supreme Being is really happy and opens a special book where he keeps records of the most intelligent species. While he writes the name of the humans, he asks his friend: “On what planet did the humans test the atomic energy?” At which his friend replies: “On their own planet”.

At this stage, the Supreme Being just looks blankly at his friends and with his pen traces a line over the humans name saying: “It’s such a shame”.

The humans were the only ones in the Supreme Being special notebook being erased.

So, my question is: “What’s the use of evolving and consider ourselves the most intelligent beings on this planet if all that we can do is enslave ourselves?”

How I got that thought?

Well, we (me and Johnny) were heading to work and I saw this lady who was wearing brown ankle boots, a long skirt, a very simple jacket and shoulder bag. She was pretty simple dressed, but she reminded me of old pictures of my mother and my brothers.

I got melancholic.

I’m not a “fashionista” (nor do I like this word).  I don’t know what is trendy or what is not. I don’t know what colors are in season nor do I watch Fashion TV or stuff like that. But, I do know what I like and what looks good on me.

I have clothes that I used to wear in high school that still look good on me (and which are in good shape; talk about quality) and which can easily be worn even today.

And, every time I put my clothes on I remember where I bought them, who I was with at that time or who gave them to me. Even when I look at old photographs and see the clothes I used to wear, I get flash backs and sometimes it feels like it only happened yesterday.

But, I doubt there are many people like me out there (people that get attached to things so easily).

I hate fashion because it only focuses in on looking good (and most of the times that doesn’t happen).

I hate fashion because it doesn’t give you the opportunity to enjoy the clothes you buy. Every new season there are new trends or “must have items” that one must concentrate on buying or trying to “get the look”. Magazines are full of articles about trends, new hairstyles and whatnot.

In the “old days”, when a new trend was created it was there for at least a few years. When someone talks about the ’70 style there’s not one person who doesn’t know what people used to wear in those days. The trend lasted from 1970 till 1979 so it’s hard not to remember.

You know, in the ’70 people used to wear track suits, platform shoes and go around dancing to disco music. It was in the ’70, not in the spring of 1973.

How many people out there remember what was in last year, in spring?

See, modern day fashion it’s useless. It does nothing for people. It just robs people of their free time, money and self confidence.

My best friend used to save her lunch money to buy clothes. She would starve at school so she could look good. She was/still is damn pretty and always had pretty clothes.

But why she starved herself to save money for clothes? Because some bratty girl in her class made a mean remark about her shoes (something like “They are so last year”).

That’s such a stupid thing to say. Why would anyone hate their clothes “which are so last year” just because this year someone out there said so. Maybe the last year clothes are much better and prettier than this year clothes.

Doesn’t that matter? Do people really have to listen so blindly to what fashion dictates? Personal feelings and tastes don’t matter anymore?

I always laughed (in my mind) at my friends when they made plans for the future, like they could actually tell what tomorrow will bring for them.

I always thought that you just have to live each day as it comes, and enjoy the “mystery” of what tomorrow may bring (even if it might not be something nice). You have no idea where you’ll not be in five years nor should you worry. After all, worrying doesn’t solve anything.

But, after 2 years of thinking “Wow, things have finally changed for me, everything seems to be working good”, life managed to give me her biggest bitch slap so far.

I guess this was a wakeup call to reality.

For the first time in my life I had nightmares and they felt more pleasant than reality. I woke up and thought “Those weren’t so bad, hmmm maybe I should go back to sleep”.

It’s just weird, I feel like I’m the only sane person left and everyone around has gone mad. But, I also feel like I’ve been taking things so light (and for granted). I realized that, even after working for 4 years I haven’t managed to do anything for myself or for my future.

I am still a silly 23 old “teenager”.

How do I see myself in 5 years?

I DON’T KNOW.

I’m trying to work it out. I’m trying to see what my options are.

Breaking old habits, changing a lifestyle, making heart aching decisions are not my specialty. I’m stuck and I’m afraid that if I try to move on I will end up hurting a lot of people including myself.

Actually change itself is scary.

I may need to go back to this post these days after I make up my mind. I think it’s time for me to think of what will happen to me at least in a one year period. Change may be scary but being depressed or having to worry about everything around me is far worse.

Time for some serious thinking.

I was really feeling melancholic about the entire thing. When I realized how silly that sounds I knew that I really am fed up with winter.

I am sick and tired having to get dressed every morning with the most “cozy” sweaters, I am tired of wearing my winter boots, I am tired of not knowing if it will rain, snow or be sunny. This weather is really unpredictable.

Last Saturday, it rained, snowed, the sun came up, and then it got gloomy and started raining and snowing.

I think that after 4 months of cold weather we should get a break and let spring come. I know it’s barely mid February, but this was the worst winter we had in years.

And, if the weather allows me, tomorrow I shall wear my sneakers.