Since the beginning of the year I felt like an old lady. I don’t think my mind left anything untouched. I’ve been worrying about turning 27 this year and the fact that I’ve done absolutely nothing worthy with my life. I just freaked out! 3 more years and I will be 30. Where did the years go?
The voice in my mind went crazy and just won’t stop. I can’t make it stop. This voice keeps pointing out all my flaws and makes me feel like I am the worst of them all. I don’t know if this is really because I’m just acting silly for getting older, or because I miss the sunny days of spring and summer, or that I really am such a bad person.
I really wish I would stop the whole “comparing myself with others” thing. But I just can’t stop. I really hate the women that at 6 AM are out looking picture perfect with their make up applied perfectly and dressed to impressed, with no mud stains on their shoes while I look like I just crawled out of bed with pillow marks on my face and my boots dirty from walking 10 minutes in the muddy snow till the subway. How do they do it? Why do they do it? Does it matter so much? Why do I care so much about this? Why do I suddenly want to wear skirts and dresses to work? Why do I want to have perfect skin and a body to kill for? Why do I have to be picture perfect?
Why the urgent need to change?
I really hope spring will come sooner because I need more sunshine and more walks in the park to clear my mind from all of the negative thoughts I have.
This cat has more pictures than I have, and he’s only 2 years old. I don’t even think my kids will have so many pictures. Heck, I think I’m over compensating for the fact I don’t have any picture of Snoopy (the dog we had to give away). But I can’t help it, he’s my fuzzball.
Lately, going to work has become a challenge for me. I need to motivate myself. I’m actually giving myself a pep talk each time I go out the door. And it’s sad cause I’m not like that. I enjoy working, doing stuff, being active.
But, work an sometimes get to you and a good vacation is needed. Well, that will not happen this year. I have a mini vacation that I will have to enjoy it and that’s it.
So, for now I am enjoying the sunshine while it lasts, because I’m sure I’ll turn into a grinch at some point.
Oh well, if all fails I can always turn to drinking ginger beer, right?!?
We had the first snow of the season a few days ago. It was quite nice during night time since everything was covered in snow. The morning was disappointing since the snow melted away and it was a depressing sight. That’s why winter in the city will never compare with winter at the country side.
I’m hoping this year I shall have a few days off for the holidays since last year I managed to work on every single holiday possible or known to man. But, I’ll know for sure on Monday. Till then, I shall watch movies (Bollywood, Korean and whatever I have saved on my hard drive) and knit.
Yup, I managed to finish a pink scarf for me. It’s really funny, since its pink as pink can be and all my winter clothes are dark colored. Of course Marlanu’ assisted me, making sure I won’t dare move until I finished the scarf. At least he kept me warm.
I don’t mind that the new scarf doesn’t go with anything, I was just practicing for the real deal: a gift for Johnny. I always wanted to get him something that he will like and appreciate. But I failed miserably each time. So, this year I’m going for handmade, the element of surprise and just enjoying holidays the two of us.
I wonder if I will have time to finish the scarf for John till the 6th of December, in time for St. Nicholas? Something tells me after work I will be staying up just to knit on it.