Poc & Poch

I know for sure that this past few months I’ve changed a lot. I have experienced things that I have not dreamed of. And yet, I still find myself in weird situations, being pulled back to old places and towards old friends. 

Unlike the old me, who would’ve been most upset, the current me is amused. I’ve just lost a few friends today. They are dear to me, but I cannot deal with them anymore. I cannot deal with the gossip, with the she said, he said things. This situation just proved me that I don’t need that kind of people in my life. It also showed me which people need uprooting from my life. 

It is also another step forward. It is a step towards focusing more on myself and what I need to do with my life, rather than on other people, their problems and so on.

Sounds silly, I know..

This year keeps surprising me in the most unexpected ways possible.. Leaving aside the amusement on fast news travels, it is a bit sad knowing that you can never know whom to trust or not. Bad business this is. Trust is important in any kind of relationship, and I as proven over and over again that most people do not care about that.

This is why it is important to me to have this written down: a reminder for future times.

It is a beautiful Sunday morning to do whatever our hearts desire, be it nothing, everything, or a just a lil bit of everything. I have missed this feeling and the quietness of a Sunday morning.

For someone who slept less than 5 hours, I am feeling fresh and happy. Staying up late (till 2 AM) to finish a book, was (in my opinion) time well spent. I cannot feel tired after doing something that I love. 

I needed a weekend like this, to bring me back to reality and to recharge my batteries. I did nothing of great importance to be reported, nor did I waste time. It was just a normal Saturday, and today (most likely) will be a normal Sunday. I couldn’t be more happy about it all. 

I will do some cleaning, some going out (even if it is just to walk the dog), some reading and I will also spare some of the time for myself, a bit of tender, love and care for my body, plus some plans and notes for the future weeks (which are fully booked).

I was thinking that in September things will go back to a normal routine. But, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Things are changing, and so far all has been for the better. I am hoping that things will keep up. John is in the process of quitting his job. His last day at his current workplace will be the 4th of September. I am happy for him, and I hope he will find something less stressful. 

I already booked one Saturday (16th of September) for a hiking trip (another girls only weekend). There will also be the company team building, which will take place at the end of September (in Bulgaria). Hopefully the team building will not be on the same weekend as the hiking trip, since they have not announced the date yet.

These are just a few plans that are set (more or less), and I know that many will come. So, having a relaxing Sunday morning at home (while my three boys are sleeping or lazying around), feels like a good break.

I must admit that I have spent six amazing weeks, but it is time to say “Goodbye Belgium“. I can honestly say this has been a life changing experience for me. 

I know this will sound selfish, but I had fun being on my own. It was nice to have time for myself. It was nice not having to worry about being on time, to take the dog out, feed the cat, not being tied up to any responsibility. It made me realize how much I missed being by myself. 

Don’t get me wrong, it feels great being back home, but this experience was an eye opener on many different levels. I like myself a lot now, and I do believe that I can achieve a lot of things if I set my mind and heart on them. If this isn’t confidence, then I don’t know what it is. 

I must admit, it is really hard not to feel happy after spending 6 weeks in Belgium. It is an amazing place, that can go from peaceful to down right crazy.

I came back with a lot of great memories, and souvenirs and some great friends from Belgium. I am happy beyond words. I do believe that for a while, I will not have time to settle back in a routine. I have this feeling that good things are still to come and that I should just go with the flow. 

Goodbye Belgium!

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings – Lao Tzu 

I am not sure of what I want to say, or what I am feeling. The only certainty that I have is that this is a new beginning for me. 

It only took one simple hello, and everything followed after. To put it simple, I got a new job and met new people. I’ve actually started one week ago, and I’ve had my hands full ever since. It is a normal job, from 9 – 5. I have the weekends off, and vacations are not a problem. There are also benefits, plus a good pay check.

That would be the simple description. 

Yet, it is not that simple. It is much more complicated than that, and the benefits are far better than I could imagine. I was so happy all week long, that my new colleagues thought that I was either that kind of person, or that I smoked something before coming to work. None of those are true, of course. I am not the happy go lucky kind of person, nor do I entertain myself with smoking week (cigarettes are my only poison). 

I was happy that I got a chance to start over from scratch in a place where no one knows me. If that is not a new beginning, I don’t know what is. 

It will be interesting to see where this will lead, since the entire department is new. Basically, we will be the foundation of a department of 30 people. At the moment, we are just 6 people.

Those 6 people – myself included- with the team leads, will be flying out to Belgium for training. Three weeks, followed by a break of two weeks at home, and then another three weeks of practical implementation. This is a huge opportunity for me. I have never been on my own (without John), and never for such long periods of time. 

At the beginning, I was unsure if I will be able to manage the challenge, or if I want the responsibilities, but now I am good. Why? Because, I’ve already been through the process. I know what to expect and what to do now. So, that old job of mine did had some use. It will be the base for my new beginning. 

I missed wasting time! The weather is just perfect for staying in, and watching documentaries, making plans and just slacking around.

I am so happy I do not have to worry about getting things done, because I do not have the time. I have plenty of time to waste now, and I am going to waste it by doing things that I love. 

Yesterday it was stitching and finishing up a book. Today, it is watching Korean documentaries and, later, stitching and more reading. Happy happy, joy joy.

I am currently interesting in making a learning / studying plan for myself. I want to learn a new foreign language. It has been on my to do list for quite some years, but never managed to fully immerse myself in it. Lack of time, motivation and even the will to do so, have hindered all of my efforts. Then I remembered something, from long ago, from a random blog that I cannot seem to find. It was about a lady who went in Japan, and was struggling to learn the language. She enrolled herself in a weekend class, and was surprised that the classes lasted all day long. When she asked the teacher there why, she was told that the only way she could grasp the culture and learn the language, was by immersing herself in study and practicing the language as much as possible. 

Now, I do not think I will be enrolling in any course for foreign languages. Nor do we have after schools and libraries like the ones in the documentaries, but self study has always been my way to get through stuff.

 It does make a lot of sense, that if you want to learn something new you must dedicate yourself to it completely. 

Long story short, that is how I ended up watching a BBC documentary on YouTube about Korean schooling system. 

I don’t know about learning all day long, but I can surely pull 4-5 hours a day. I do have a lot of free time, where there is just me in the house. I am not going to count Pluto and Marlanu’, since they sleep all day long. 

I hope till the end of the day, I shall have a game plan. Until then, more research by watching documentaries. They are good for the soul. 

It has been a while since I woke up at 5 AM, for no apparent reason. It is early morning and I already walked Pluto, and now he went back to bed and is peacefully sleeping with Johnny. Marlanu’ is by my side, eating away. And the house is peaceful. I can actually hear the birds outside. 

It is quite nice.

I am pondering on what I should do today. My options being limited, since I will go to work in the evening and at some point I will need sleep. 

Two more weeks till freedom. I was thinking about it, and I made up my mind. I am officially postponing my job hunt. It is clear I need a break from about everything. 

A simple recharge of the batteries is not enough. It is not about being tired from being overworked. I’ve passed that point a long time ago. It has a lot to do with my self worth, and what I want from myself and from my future. It is hard to explain. I know I am not the best out there, but I still felt proud of the work that I did. I felt like a valuable member. I know I did a good job. The fact that there are more people upset by me leaving than the people that can’t wait for me to leave, proves it. Yet, slowly and surely, I have been reduced to a failure. I failed at my current job and I failed to get a job, that others with less experience than me got with less effort. 

OK. It is not the end of the road, but it is clear that things are not going in the right direction. I should not feel desperate when going to a job interview. I should not feel that everyone if watching me, waiting for me to fail, the gossip train going wild. 

I have horrible thoughts. I wouldn’t want to work with my current self. Even when it is early morning I can’t stop thinking about things like that. 

So, I am going to take a break and go on adventures (even if it is just to the supermarket). That and clean the house and take better care of myself.