Spring, is that you?

Spring is slowly coming. We’ve had lovely weather this past week. It was sunny and warm. It really lifted my spirits. 

What really made me happy, was the fact that I got the call that I was waiting for. Next Wednesday, I will have my first face to face interview. I know it might not seem much, but for me that interview is a life line. Considering everything that went on in the last two weeks, a job interview is something to look forward to.

I know I shouldn’t count the days. But, I can’t help it. I just want to break free of that place.

With that said, I am planning on making my days count. I will try my hardest to get out of the rut that was self imposed because of work. 

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I do love the new book shelves that we got from Ikea. They changed the room. The fact that I couldn’t fit in all my books in them, doesn’t matter at all. I still had free space in our bedroom.

I’ve also made some decent progress at my Autumn needlepoint. In fact, if I keep it up, I should be able to finish it in a couple of months. It is a very large project that I have undertaken. But, it is worth it. 

Of course, whenever I stitch I have company. 

They might not help with the actual stitching, but they do provide a good company, even when all they do is sleep.

I missed spending time with my furry friends. I missed wasting time. I hope that soon enough, I will miss having to worry about how each day will turn out.

I should just follow the example from Pluto and Marlanu’, and just enjoy each moment as it passes. It seems to be working out great for them.

Happy happy, joy joy

Since I signed my resignation, things have been really good. Not great, but good. Which is amazing!

Makes sense?

I am happy. Things have picked up in almost everything. It is hard to explain this feeling. Sure, I am tired of everything that goes on at work (with the attitude change towards me from my so called team leads colleagues and from the management), but I feel free. There is nothing that they can do to dampen my spirits. Plus, there are two other people that are leaving from the same reasons as I am. The third, I am helping them with their resume and applying for jobs.

That and one member of my team (the agents that I am responsible for) actually cried when they heard the news that I was leaving.

I don’t care what the management says, when your own agents feel sad and cry that you are leaving that means you were worth something! 

I am worth something!

Now I feel like crying. I am sad for leaving behind such awesome people. 

With that said, I am still happy. I am happy happy, joy joy. I have a job on the line. It is not 100% certain, but considering I turned them down last year and now when I just asked if they have any other openings, I was called in for a job interview, I can only hope for better days.

Soon, I shall have my freedom. I will be able to wait a lil more for it.

12.04.2017

I was finally able to sign my resignation. Last day of work: 12.04.2017.

You might think that my CV is updated, that I am actively applying for jobs. I haven’t done anything of the sort. I just cleaned the house and rested.

It was such a wonderful feeling to have time to waste. It has been such a long time since I felt happy about doing regular things. Listening to music, stitching, watching a Bollywood movie, walking Pluto, resting with Marlanu’ and Pluto. It felt incredible.

I don’t regret anything. If stability means losing your own self, I would rather have instability. I would rather struggle and be happy, then comfortable and miserable. 

I want to make happy memories, at work and at home. I don’t one thing to affect the other. I want to feel good about myself, once again. To be honest, I started feeling really old. I started thinking that there is nothing out there for me. That I am not good enough for anything else. It showed on my face, in the way I dressed, the way I acted. I was a sad person. 

That is not who I am.

I am a happy person by nature. The smallest things make me the happiest. When I laugh, Pluto laughs with me. He feels my happiness. Yet, I haven’t had a real laugh in ages. Even the blog became depressing.

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In March I will apply again to get my driver’s license. Johnny was right. If I want road trips that we can both enjoy, I should step up as well. I started learning Spanish, as I planned. I don’t know much, but at least I can count to 10 in Spanish. I also understand most things said to me, but I still can’t reply back.

So, my action plan for the next two months: small steps to get back my old happy self. 

New beginnings

It is done.

I quit my job. I am now waiting to hear news of when my last day with them will be. I do not feel happy. I do not feel relief. I just want to know when is the last time I will have to show myself there. 

The whole experience has left me bitter. 

From what I was told, all my work and effort equals to zero. All the work that I put, all that over time, equals to nothing for them. 2 years of hard work, all down the drain. All because someone doesn’t like me. 

My head hurts and I cannot seem to get out of this gloomy mood. 

I had plans for this year. I wanted to save money to get my drivers license, to get a new bed, to take my British Cambridge exam and more. 

I really need to see things from a different light.

It is a good thing that I left. I was planning on leaving for a while, so might as well get a nudge in the right direction. I was getting way to comfortable, while things were not that great. In fact, they are bad and getting worse each day. It will be hard financially for a while, but we survived worse times. That and there is no debt to pay. 

The worst part of winter has passed. 

I just need to hang in there till the end. Keep my head up and not break down. Easier said then done, but that’s what I must do. 

An end to an era

Sucking at something is the first step to becoming sorta good at something

Jake, Adventure Time

From the recent updates at work, apparently, I suck very much. What better way to motivate someone who is already in doubt about staying or not. The worst part is, that it is not even related to my work. It is related to what others think and say about me. I cannot even fight back, and defend myself because of the “he said, she said” thing. No real proof, no real facts, just hearsay. 

The others is a general term, used by our manager for feedback sessions. It is a term she loves (among many other derogative terms she keeps for agents that do not met her standards). It gives her power by dividing us, by making us mistrust one another. 

So, I come back to the conclusion that it is not the work and its quality, but how much one can suck up to the boss. 

That is where I really suck.

I cried over it. 

Like a complete and utter dumbass, I cried.

I guess it is my mistake as well. I got comfortable knowing that I have a job. The fear of not having a job, and having a hard time getting one, two years ago, has stuck with me. I dread going over that whole process of interviews and waiting.

The best part of all of this was Johnny’s reaction. He almost chocked with his coffee, while laughing at me.

Yep, he laughed. 

He was not the only one that laughed. 

That hurt even more. 

Here I am crying myself out, trying to figure out why and how this happened, and people are just laughing at the absurdity of it all. I really am a dumbass. 

So, without further rambling and ranting, I have prepared my resignation. Tomorrow, when we have our team meeting (of course it had to be on my day off), I will submit it. 

If this is considered giving up, then I give up. There is no point in going on like this. I would rather dread two, three months of job hunting than another year working in that environment. It will not be like before. The fact that I will resign my job tomorrow doesn’t mean that I will leave straight away. I will still have 45 days to enjoy their lovely company. But, that’s a good thing. It gives me two months (while I am being paid) to find another job. 

All I have to do is to survive tomorrow. That is the most important thing.