It has been a while since I woke up at 5 AM, for no apparent reason. It is early morning and I already walked Pluto, and now he went back to bed and is peacefully sleeping with Johnny. Marlanu’ is by my side, eating away. And the house is peaceful. I can actually hear the birds outside.
It is quite nice.
I am pondering on what I should do today. My options being limited, since I will go to work in the evening and at some point I will need sleep.
Two more weeks till freedom. I was thinking about it, and I made up my mind. I am officially postponing my job hunt. It is clear I need a break from about everything.
A simple recharge of the batteries is not enough. It is not about being tired from being overworked. I’ve passed that point a long time ago. It has a lot to do with my self worth, and what I want from myself and from my future. It is hard to explain. I know I am not the best out there, but I still felt proud of the work that I did. I felt like a valuable member. I know I did a good job. The fact that there are more people upset by me leaving than the people that can’t wait for me to leave, proves it. Yet, slowly and surely, I have been reduced to a failure. I failed at my current job and I failed to get a job, that others with less experience than me got with less effort.
OK. It is not the end of the road, but it is clear that things are not going in the right direction. I should not feel desperate when going to a job interview. I should not feel that everyone if watching me, waiting for me to fail, the gossip train going wild.
I have horrible thoughts. I wouldn’t want to work with my current self. Even when it is early morning I can’t stop thinking about things like that.
So, I am going to take a break and go on adventures (even if it is just to the supermarket). That and clean the house and take better care of myself.